(December 1998) The world’s best Chrishmash cake

1 cup dried fruit brown sugar
1 cup butter lemon juice
2 large eggs baking soda
2 bottles high quality rum pepper or salt

Sample a small measure of rum, for quality.

Select a Large mixing bowl, measuring cup and spoons. Sample another measure of rum to confirm it is of highest quality To be absolutely sure, pour yourself a level cup of rum and drink as fast as possible. Repeat if not 100 pershent sore.

With a hand mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in the large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp thugar and beat again vigourishly. Sit down and retest another cup of rum (in case it has gone off in the heat – isn’t it getting warm in here?)

After a little well-deserved rest, open your eyes and continue with recipe by addling 2 arge leggs & 1 flup of cried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry out with a drewscriver (either standard or Phillips will do).

Open second bottle of rum (you don’t remember finishing the first one?) and test for tonsiscency. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn’t matter), & ½ pint of jemon luice into the large bowly fluff and add 2 spabletoons of washing soda. Fold in the chopped butter and add your strained nuts. Retest rum for contistic constituency.

(We’re nearly there, my duck, so brace yourself against the sink, take 2 deep breaths and mop your brow with the dish-cloth.) Add a bag (as in many things, actual size doesn’t matter) of brown thugar (nor does the colour, really). Wix mell with a spooden woon. Grease a 7½” oven (What with? On I don’t know. See what’s lurking in the bottom of your chip pan). Turn your cake tin up to 350 gredees. Pour contents of the buffy flowl into the coven and leave to brake till dun (probably a week next Tancake Puesday, but who cares?).

Finally, sift the rest of the rum into the empty flowly buff, drink it, give your brow a final mop with the clish-doth and bo to ged. (Merry Chrishmash.) – Smelia Dith

Based, with many thanks and apologies, on an item in the Spring 1998 edition of Caring Matters, the magazine of the Carers Centre in Banbury.