(With apologies to Stanley Holloway and ‘Albert’)

There’s a little known hamlet near Banbury
that’s noted for its village pond.
A spot that the Gower Parish Council
had really become very fond.

When the fox ate the ducks for his dinner
the Council were rather perplexed,
but when t’River Board came for the fishes
then Eric said “Well, I am vexed”.

The fish had grown legs that would help them
to walk through.the thick greasy grime,
and radar – for even fish eyesight
could not see too far through the slime.

The Council watched t’water get lower
until it had run all away.
They thought they’d do something about it
but couldn’t decide on a day.

The man from the River Board then came
and found the conditions acute.
He made a noise like some fresh water
– the fish all jumped in his car boot!

After months of long Council debating
the day for the clean-up was fixed.
The foul smell would be rather awful,
reactions of neighbours were mixed.

On the day of the Pond Clean t’was raining
and Eric sought someone to blame.
You could tell that the Council had fixed it
‘cos very few villagers came.

All good jobs they need a good foreman
or the workers would be at a loss.
Eric had his strong sheep crook to lean on
so he was elected as ‘Boss’.

Richard came clad in brightest of Yellows
to search for lost coins he would strive.
He looked like a traffic policeman
escaped from the M25!

Fred came with his hammer and chisel;
he began to knock holes in the wall.
He enjoyed it – but what he was doing
could not be detected at all.

The Clerk to the Council was noticed
slinking past with his dog r a new pet;
Eric put on an arm lock whilst saying
“You haven’t resigned quite just yet”.

One Villager came full of promise –
he found it too dirty. What’s more
he left after only five minutes
preferring his mother-in-law!

That dynamic duo of farmers;
the Wealsbys, both father and son,
drove up in their old farming tractor;
without them what would we have done?

Young Allister, who likes farm cesspools,
jumped in, in his Wellies size nine;
he cried “This is Just like a cow pat –
come in Dad, the thick ooze is fine!”

Bruce Woodall arrived looking dapper.
All work stopped – a reverent hush;
but wise Bruce soon upsticked and vanished,
he’d just come to hand out his brush!

The bicycles. muck, stones and rubbish
were tractored away out of sight;
the concrete floor brushed clean by Richard
until it was whiter than white.

The Pond it just has to be refilled
quite soon. in a matter of hours.
‘Cos if it were left dry for too long
then some folks would park their old cars.

The Magistrate had to be sent for,
part Rector, part Umpire, who could
(unlike Noah, who prayed for fine weather)
ask someone ‘up there’ for ‘A Flood’.

No answer! So bring out your buckets
(once Fred Inns has mended the crack);
we need many gallons of water
then Eric will get his fish back!